If you need to catch up:
I was confused. We are so different and I had no idea if that was a strength or a weakness. I was trying to walk trusting God but I didn’t know where anything was going and it scared me. I was swinging from one decision to another daily – to end it or not – and my emotions were in a right proper mess.
I wonder if I’m taking my eyes off You and getting swallowed by the wind and the waves, Lord. You have brought me this far for a reason. I can’t presume to know what that reason is right now. Lord, please give me the courage to walk this one step at a time with You. And to be honest with Joel. (diary excerpt)
The thing is, I knew Joel was an amazing guy. That wasn’t in doubt by this point. I knew enough of him to know he’d make an amazing husband to some girl.
But I didn’t know if I was that girl and I was petrified to lead him on.
That fear was causing me to hold back. And the fact that the image I had in my head of my future husband did not correspond with Joel at all. The thing is, I had no idea if the ideal in my head was strong enough to build a relationship on or whether it was purely superficial and, actually, someone like Joel would work far better with me. He fit so well into our family, even my sisters got along with him (and they’re the hardest ones to convince).
So August crept by and I kept mulling over our meeting.
(Yes, in case you hadn’t figured it out by now: I overthink everything.)
By the end of August, I’m beginning to go, “hmm, I could fall in love with this man.”
By the beginning of September, I desperately want it to work. I realised we’d somehow become best friends, that he knew me better than most, that I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to fall in love with this man. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to be able to say “Hi, meet Joel, my boyfriend.” I wanted my name to be coupled with his. I wanted us to grow closer. I wanted us to merge into the team I was becoming pretty convinced would be a good one. I knew when I loved a man, it would be complete, 100%, for life. And I knew that Joel was one of my best friends. I knew I could talk to him about anything. My fear was what if we went out and it didn’t work and I ended up with a broken heart and losing my best friend. I didn’t want that.
I want to be his and this whole thing could just really really hurt if it doesn’t work but I want to risk it…I am going to say yes to this man, we are going to fall in love and there is always the potential one or both of us decides it’s not going to work and we have to walk away. I don’t want that. His heart was broken once, I don’t want to be the one to do it a second time. Really, really don’t. If this isn’t the right path, Father, if we aren’t right for each other, please yank us back now. Right now. It’ll hurt now but that will be nothing to the pain of breaking up later. Oh, I don’t want us to break up. I want us to start going out, fall in love, get engaged, get married and live life together. Was I just that plain?!!?!? I’ve shocked even myself!! (diary excerpt)
Quite a sea change…and it’s only beginning!
Carried on at: Snapshots Of The Rollercoaster: Saying Yes (The First Time)