The Unwanted Season, Episode 4 (Human Being or Human Doing)

There was no peace or serenity in me earlier; there was weary, frustrated exhaustion and pain. It appears there is one lesson I am still struggling to learn and that is that my worth does not lie in what I can do. I haven’t learnt it yet.

I lay flopped across the bed, my chest tight, breathing hard work, and called myself useless. I forgot how much progress has been made and saw only what I couldn’t do.

This time it was my husband who reminded me: “you are loved for who you are, not what you do” but how often is what I am tied up in what I do? How do I start unravelling all the strings to find out what is my doing and what is my being in this big knotted ball of wool?

In my mind, how much I can give is intrinsically linked to my worth and when my ability to give is cut short, I start wondering whether I have any worth. I am so grateful for Joel’s words though because they started a chain reaction in me. I went back and asked my Heavenly Papa what my worth is. My husband can give me answers, my friends can, my family can – but ultimately, I need to know my worth in the eyes of My Creator.

And I praise Him because He told me.

He told me I was worth precious, priceless blood being spilt. I remember the old adage: something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. I was worth something irreplaceable being broken for. (Romans 5:8)

He told me how incredibly I was loved.  Do you know how much value there is in being loved? (Romans 8:38-9, Ephesians 2:4-7)

He told me He thought through each detail of me and carefully put ‘me’ together. I was not an afterthought – I was designed by the Heavenly Creator with the same precision and genius that He created the Milky Way and wild rose, although valued infinitely more. (Psalm 139:13-18)

How can I be useless and worthless if I am an exquisitely constructed masterpiece of The Master? A Rembrandt painting is worth so much because of its artist. I’m the same. I was not created worthless or useless. Even when constrained to my bed, I am not a lump of extra flesh unneeded on this planet, like I can sometimes start believing.

I don’t claim to have this one figured yet. It’s going to take a lot of work, I reckon, to fight years of me believing the only worth in me comes from what I can do, not who I am, but if I can just remember and cling to the fact I am a Created Being, I’ll be started. And it’s time to stop wallowing in the same quagmire and get started on this fight.

*deep breath*

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