Written before Georgie was born:
I will never forget reading a story (not that I can find the link to it now) of someone approaching a father whose daughter had been through serious heart surgery. They knew that if she didn’t have the surgery, she would die and there was a good chance she wouldn’t survive the surgery. As it was, she did survive the surgery and made a great recovery. Anyway, after the surgery, a person approached her father and said, “Isn’t God good?” And it was the reply of the dad that stood out to me: “Even if she had died, God would still have been good.”
It’s easy to believe in a good God when all is right in our little world.
These last few months, though, He’s challenged us on that. Even if things aren’t going right, is He still good? Is He still keeping His word? Is He still on the Throne?
We’re expecting the birth of our first born in the next few months. It’s a time of excitement, and terror, pretty much like what every first time parent-to-be experiences, I suspect. But there’s been more. At the 12 week scan, they picked up a cystic hygroma and explained this could mean many things. It could just be a growth, a twisting of glands, and it would sort itself out or need minor surgery, or it could mean heart problems, or it could point to a genetic problem. Straight away you could see the question on the faces of the medical people: “Do you still want this baby?” There was never any question for us – little Smidgin is a gift from God to us. Medical problems haven’t changed that.
So the 20 week scan came and they started worrying about the heart.
By now, we’ve had several more scans and it’s clear our little one has a problem with their heart. We’re still waiting to see how much of a problem and whether it’s indicative of more problems.
Is God still good?
Is a God who is capable of healing, who is capable of stepping into humanity’s messed up world and putting things right – is a God who can do all that and yet, for some reason, has not – is He still good?
You reach a point in your Christian walk where you have to take something by faith, you have to choose to say “I believe in a Good God” even when circumstances don’t necessarily appear to tie in with that. I have had to make peace with the fact I don’t understand my Heavenly Father. I don’t understand why He does allow certain things, I really don’t. But the fact remains that I believe 100% that He is Good, that He is always fighting for us, that He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. Sometimes that faith is a little shakier than other times but He is helping me walk through it.
Our prayer for Smidgin, for us, as we step into an unknown future, is God’s will be done. If that involves miraculous healing, praise Him! If that means we spend months of our lives in hospitals, we will praise Him! His goodness is not reliant on how we perceive him – thank God!
A few weeks ago, we were sitting in the car driving to the first of the extra scans, a scan that would confirm whether it was poor visibility at the 20 week scan or a real problem with the heart. As a side thought, as we ran out the house to do the 2 hour journey, I grabbed a few Christian cds and one of them has become the soundtrack of this pregnancy: The Attributes of God by Shai Linne. The lines of the chorus of one particular song have stuck on repeat in my head:
“If you’ve tasted and seen – then you know what I mean, He’s Good
In His nature is love, everything that He does, He’s Good
Even when it gets tough, yes, the Lord is enough, He’s Good
Yes, God makes it plain through the Lamb that was slain, He’s Good.”
The Glory of God, Shai Linne, The Attributes of God
Faith doesn’t make sense to an unbelieving world. I’m not even sure it makes sense to a believing world, let alone to my head! But I can’t let go of my belief that God is good just because He has failed to fit into what I perceive as good right now. I don’t know how my story is going to meander through this life but I hope it ends in His arms and that’s the greatest thing I can pray for Smidgin. I can’t guarantee him/her an easy life – and as a mother, don’t you desperately want to? – but I can pray deeply that Smidgin’s story ends in the same Arms as mine does.
Sometimes God just says: “Trust Me” and it doesn’t make sense, it hurts and even other Christians cannot understand it but that is when we have the choice to step in a little deeper to the river of faith and learn even more about either our swimming skills or our Heavenly life jacket!